Q & A: Goodell on Finnegan, Seymour: "A punch to the head poses no danger."

Goodell was staring at my rack the whole time.

Recently, Ed Werder's Mustache was able to sit down for a Q & A session with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Our questions focused mainly on the precautions the league is taking to ensure player safety. The following is a transcript of the conversation.

Mustache: "Thanks for taking the time to speak with us, commissioner."

Goodell: "Please, call me Judge Dredd."

Mustache: "Of course, Mr. Dredd..."

Judge Dredd: "No, just call me 'Judge'. It sounds cooler."

Mustache: "Uh, OK. Judge, what are your thoughts on the recent incidents involving players punching one another? I'm specifically referring to Richard Seymour punching Ben Roethlisberger under the facemask, and the incident Sunday involving Cortland Finnegan and Andre Johnson."

Judge: "The NFL takes incidents such as these very seriously. As you are well aware, the league has placed a very high priority on player safety."

Mustache: "Of course. Are there any plans to keep these things from happening again?"

Judge: "None whatsoever. A player punching another player in the skull is just a part of the game you can't change."

Mustache: "But the league has been trying to eliminate dangerous/violent tackles from the game. Aren't punches voluntary, deliberate actions, whereas tackling is something players are less able to control?"

Judge: "Players have to learn to show restraint. If a player cannot change his trajectory mid-air to avoid a helmet-to-helmet collision, then he may be subject to fines and repeat offenders may be subject to suspension."

Mustache: "Wait, what?"

Judge: "Next question."

Mustache: "Isn't a punch to the head just as dangerous as, if not more dangerous than a helmet-to-helmet collision?"

Judge: "There's simply been no research done on punching, and without conclusive evidence that shows that blows to the cranium are harmful, we can't step in and tell players how to play. So, as far as we're concerned, a punch to the head poses no danger. Sometimes you just have to let them play football."

Mustache: "Last question, Judge. Is the league considering any form of punishment for when players act like assholes in general?"

Judge: "I assume you're referring to players such as Ben Roethlisberger and Cortland Finnegan?"

Mustache: "Yes, of course."

Judge: "The league obviously does not condone any form of dickotry or ass-hattery. It is, generally speaking, frowned upon. However, there are no policies in place at this time governing such actions. This is something the competition committee will have to review in the offseason, as midseason changes would have too much of an impact on the playoffs."

Mustache: "Judge, it was a pleasure speaking with you today. Thank you for your time and insight on league matters."

Judge: "You're welcome. Say 'hi' to your mother for me."

(Note: This is satire. If you can't tell that, you're really dumb. For real.)